Happy Trails and Best Wishes

To fellow students,

I have learned so much through each of you sharing with me your insights, perspectives, and experiences.  This sharing is what has made the coursework meaningful to you but also it has enhanced my own understanding through your eyes.  I wish all of you a great journey as you complete your specialization.  My specialization is teaching adult learners in the field of early childhood, I hope to better perfect my skills in writing and presenting trainings and coursework that is meaningful and relevant using what I have learned from you and my own experiences.  My greatest compliment is when someone comes up after a training and says, "I knew what I was doing was good for kids, but you showed me why it is good for kids so now I can better share with their parents the benefits of my own program." or "I never had it explained that way before, thanks for helping understand it better."

You have given me inspriation, enhanced my perspectives, given me your thought and ideas; and finally, you have given me a part of  you and I thank you for that.

Best wishes in your continued journey towards your Masters program completion.

Brenda

Adjourning....a final goodbye

            In my experience the groups or teams that are the hardest to leave are those in which close personal as well as group relationships were formed.  The Iowa Voices for Quality Childcare (IAVQCC), a non-profit that I helped found was started by 11 family child care providers, six of whom I had a friendship with in addition to founding the group.  This contributed to the success of the group, but also made it the hardest one to leave.  We decided to order engraved charms with IAVQCC on one side and our name on the other.  A small memento that we could have to remember all we had accomplished with that group in the short seven years we were operating.  We chose to dissolve the non-profit because we did not have any members who wanted to commit to the leadership positions needed to keep it going.

            I recently left my job of five years due to health issues not because I wanted to leave it.  I had formed some close bonds with many of the staff and clients I served.  I miss them very much and have managed to come back for some contracted training work so I get to see them occasionally.  Each time I see them or talk to them it hits hard that I am not still doing the job I felt matched me perfectly.  It’s a little like a mourning process because it not within my choice to leave or stay.   They had a potluck lunch and signed a card wishing me well. 

            I have served on many other committees and teams during my career most of which I left because I needed to focus on other aspects of my professional development.  These were committees or teams I had professional relationships with but not a close personal relationship.  There really was no closing ritual.

            I recently attended a retirement party for a woman who had worked in one childcare program for 40 years.  She was only leaving due to health reasons and not voluntarily.  They held an open house for her to celebrate with the many families who had crossed her path along the way.  There were scrapbooks and fond memories shared along with a memorial fund set up to update the library in the program and dedicate it in her memory.  I cannot imagine working in one job for 40 years and will never have the opportunity to try.  I imagine her leaving must feel like a loss of a family member in some sense.

            I have enjoyed learning about my fellow students and appreciate their efforts in providing rich digital conversations that enhanced my learning experience.  I do feel, however, that I did not form the strong attachments that I might had we all been attending together in face to face classes.  I am a people person, I like to meet people and need to see them visually to cement the relationship. 

            I think adjourning is a way to reflect on the work completed and the measure of its success or failure.  Adjourning is a natural process when you no longer have a time commitment in your schedule and at first it feel weird but soon other rituals take that place and you move on.  I think the adjourning is just a recognition ritual of declaring the value that you and the work you did was worthwhile and significant in some respect.

Non Violent communication

I have been experiencing a long-term communication break down with my husband with regards to our home improvement situation. In reading the NVC information and listening to the YouTube video, I am hoping to apply some of those concepts to try and open the lines of communication by clearly stating my need for its completion without using tears, ultimatums, and guilt trips to manipulate him.  Asking him to talk to me about his needs surrounding the issue to see if we can work collaboratively so we both can have our needs met.   I will try to keep the lyrics from the song by Dr. Marshall Rosenberg, “And you know my giving is not done to put you in my debt, but because I want to live the love I feel for you (YouTube, 2010)” in mind when I have this conversation. 

I am going to use the NVC at work when dealing with complaints from staff, using “Requesting what we would like in a way that clearly and specifically states what we do want (rather than what we don’t want), and that is truly a request and not a demand (i.e. attempting to motivate, however subtly, out of fear, guilt, shame, obligation, etc. rather than out of willingness and compassionate giving). (The Center for Non Violent Communication, n.d)”.  I am also looking and reading to see if these things could help us with a child in our care that is having huge behavioral issues. Giving this child the skill to ask for what she needs could be life changing.

References:

The Center for Nonviolent Communication. (n.d.). The center for nonviolent communication. Retrieved fromhttp://www.cnvc.org/

YouTube. (2010). The basics of nonviolent communication. Retrieved from http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M-129JLTjkQ

Communication Assessments

This week as we were asked to have two other people who know me, assess my communication characteristics did not surprise me in how close the scores were because I asked my spouse of 33 years and my best friend and training partner to assess my communication skills each has seen me in different settings, but both know me very well.  I think the results might have been different had I chosen someone else.  What did surprise me is that we were within 1 point of each other on the verbal aggressiveness scale and it was the scale I had the hardest time deciding how to answer.  I do not consider myself aggressive in nature and do not like the trait in others, so when I scored midway on the scale I wasn’t happy, but in reading the description I felt a little better about it. 

I wasn’t sure how to use my score on the last assessment so I just read the descriptions and decided I am probably either in the people oriented or action oriented grouping.  I think probably the action oriented is the right category, because when I train I want participants to want to make changes and improve practices, it frustrates me when I do not see the same longing in them.

My mom is someone who is very intolerant of other ways of doing things.  She is committed to the idea that her version of right and wrong is the way all people should live and behave.  She believes that being equal with her grandchildren is fair when in fact each person in our family has very different needs or wants.  I try to select the topics carefully so that we can stay on areas of common interests.  I can relate to Eleanor Roosevelt’s quote, “We have to face the fact that either all of us are going to die together or we are going to live together, and if we are going to live together, we have to talk. (Beebe, Beebe, & Redmond, 2010, p. 104”   It is critical to maintain the lines of communication.

            I try to match my verbal language to the context.  I know this is extremely important as I have seen my son’s inability to do this and fully understand how important it is to be able to do so.  Being able to be flexible and be adaptable is critical to being a good communicator. 

            I have also learned how the timing can impact your effectiveness.  Watching for the right verbal and non verbal cues given by others can help you decide where and when to jump in.

Silent Movies....

·       What do you think the characters' relationships are based on the ways in which they are communicating?

The characters are trying to make a good first impression and are initially friendly with each other.  This is indicated by them smiling at each other and putting their hand out to shake. 

·       What are they feeling and expressing based on the nonverbal behavior you are observing?

I watched the first show of the first season of Quantico, this made my task a little easier to decipher.   It was quite apparent that the characters were not familiar with each other as it showed each of them leaving their life before beginning their FBI training.  The lead person (female) and lead instructor  (males) were obvious due to the way they held themselves in a very powerful stance in front of the recruits as they were talking.  I could tell that the lead person was giving them lecture of some sort. 

Two of the recruits appeared to have some tension between them, I believe it was due to one feeling threatened due to a lack of skills.  He felt like the other guy could shoot, fight, and physically out do him so he decided to get the secret the other recruit was hiding.  Some signs of this were his arm placed so no one could pass, getting very close with his face before saying words that appeared to be a threat of some sort.  The person being threatened was showing signs of fear like he had something to hide. Placing an arm in someone’s path of escape is an example of kinsesics-“gestures and body movements that send nonverbal messages. (O’Hair, 2015, p. 101)

The lead person was very expressive in her facial movements while talking to the lead instructor, her body also switched from strolling along in a very relaxed pose to tensing up and being more defensive it appeared.  The lead instructor evidently gave a last parting word to the lead person and started to walk away, he stops, however, when the lead person has a final word and then she walks away from him. “However, when you are not motivated to listen, you are prone to “tune out” or only listen half heartedly. (O’Hair, et.al, 2015, p. 153)  The person who walked away was not caring much about what the lead person had to say until, as I found out later, she threatened his job.

            In the show I watched each recruit had to research information on another recruit to find a piece of information that was missing.  Once they had gathered this information, they were required to interview the person they researched to try and get the missing information from them.  For each interview they hooked the person being researched up to a lie detector machine and also had a eye camera that showed how the person’s eyes reacted to the questions posed by the recruit who researched their background.   This was an example of ambushing, listening to find a weakness in others, w—things they are sensitive about—and pulls those weaknesses out at strategic or embarrassing times. (O’Hair, et.al, 2015, p. 170)”  This was rather ironic that they were using equipment to detect non verbal cues from the person being interviewed. “On one hand if the lie is unimportant, liars may instead be relaxed and controlled.  On the other hands someone accused of lying may show nonverbal or physiological signs of  anxiety even if not guilty.  This is one reason so-called  detectors (and the newer brain scans) are not reliable measures of deception. (Kirchner, 2013). (O’Hair, 2015, p. 101.)

·       What assumptions did you make about the characters and plot based on the ways in which you interpreted the communication you observed?

I assumed none of them had ever met before the show started, which was true for some, but not for the FBI Director (lead person) and the Assistant Director (lead instructor).  I did not pick up on them having had a previous romantic relationship or that the woman FBI director had saved his career by vouching for him.  I will say I called it right when I noticed her switch from a relaxed conversational walk to a more tense posture, when she was lecturing him about not showing up after a night of boozing it up.  She tried to get him to understand the precarious position he was in, but he did not appear to listen, so she gave one last threat that if he did not stop, she could end his career.  Based on his head tilt and facial expressions, I think he finally listened.

            Watching the show without sound allowed me to pay more attention to the facial nuances of each character.  The women seemed to use this type of non verbal cues more effectively than the men.

·       Would your assumptions have been more correct if you had been watching a show you know well?

I do not know for sure, I may have gone in with prior assumptions and missed the various body clues because I had already watched them earlier.  When we get overloaded with sensory input, it could diminish our ability to see the details.

References:

O'Hair, D., Wiemann, M., Mullin, D. I., & Teven, J.  (2015). Real communication (3rd. ed). New York: Bedford/St. Martin's., pp 101-170